yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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