Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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