at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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