hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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