When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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