she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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