How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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