nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
You can't motorboat a personality
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
