I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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