If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
