I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
