brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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