i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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