I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
