dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
