Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
