How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
