new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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