I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
