Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You left your phone here
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