She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
