My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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