i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
