I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
