and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
