I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
