thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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