My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Randomize
