I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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