Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
