i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
