yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
