i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
