so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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