hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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