she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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