either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
The ass gains better be worth it
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