Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Text me some of your sweat
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
