You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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