Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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