you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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