Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
