I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
