I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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