i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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