Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
