Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
