Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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