Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
