I wish I could teleport
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
