We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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