I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
