I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
bring money and cleavage
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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